Tuesday, September 01, 2009

This blog is a little... strange.

I would like to start out this blog by saying I'm sorry. I'm sorry to all of my friends, or any of my friends, who feel like I've been kind of.. standoffish the last few months. I don't honestly know if anyone feels like I have been standoffish, but I noticed that I don't see my friends near as much as I did last year or before. The fact is, I haven't really been standoffish, I've just been kind of.. vacant. And I'm not sure of the total reason for this. I'm sane, I think. I'm not desperately unhappy or going through some kind of depression (I think).

Last night I stared at myself in the mirror for a long time trying to figure it out. I stared and I looked at myself in the eyes and asked "what's missing? what is different? who are you?" I just don't seem to have that spark anymore.

At first I thought it must be that I'm getting older. I don't want to go out and party as much because I don't enjoy it as much anymore. I don't like getting trashed and wanting to pass out. I don't like waking up feeling embarrassed of myself for something I did or said. While that part of it is true, I still don't think that's what my problem is.

I think the honest reason for my slump the last few months is because I became so content with just existing. I've spent the last 27 years of my life existing, and being okay with that. I've always thought that looking for meaning to life was kind of pointless. Why not just live life and roll with it?

But what if I do need to find a meaning? What if there was a purpose other than just living, working, loving, and watching tv?

This is what I found when I looked in the mirror last night. I need a purpose, a meaning. I need to find out what it is I can do to be more than just Allison, mapmaker from Hickory.

But what? I'm still searching for that.

I just hope that now I've come to this conclusion, that what I need is more from life, that maybe I can be more of a friend. More of a person. I hope you (all of you) can understand me a little better now. I'm not putting you out. I love you, all of you.


Lovey said...

Kind of there myself. Those thoughts are what made me quit GIS last year and move to nursing, thinking that I'd find more of a purpose there. I've definitely lost touch with a few friends, but the real ones don't need constant attention -- they'll be there whenever, wherever.

Secretly, though, I'm more afraid that these thoughts are just us growing up. I go for a few weeks where I forget that I'm just "playing" at being an adult; it's like I've stopped playing at it and I'm actually BEING an adult. That scares the freak out of me.

Carmen said...

I love you too. You still have friends left. Real friends understand things like this. I can't wait to hang out with you and discuss discuss discuss.

KariBeri said...

Any thoughts of maybe going back to school and getting your masters?