Wednesday, April 23, 2008

Warning: Downer.

You know, it's funny how you can go along in life and have a bad week and think "this is the worst week ever." And then, you get over it and everything's going fine and all of a sudden you come back from vacation and the next day you're delivered a total bombshell that just makes you fully realize, you really are having the worst week ever right now.

That's how I've been feeling since last Tuesday. Guilty and sick to my stomach. I don't feel guilty because of anything in particular though. All of this stuff going on makes me feel sick and then I think and think and I realize that why I feel so bad is because I'm made to feel guilty for everything. I'm tired of feeling guilty all of the time.

But to not feel guilty would make me a psycopath or something equally bad. So I guess I'll have to live with it. But I bet it would make me feel better to list some things that make me feel guilty, just to get them out there.

I feel guilty:
-When I don't eat right.
-When I don't exercise at least 2 times a week.
-When I don't change out the litterbox enough.
-When I don't recycle.
-When I play on the internet when I should be working (like now).
-When I don't blog enough.
-When I don't get the chance to read all of my other blogs until a week after they're written.
-When I don't comment on people's blogs, flickrs, twitters, etc.
-When I'm late for work.
-When I don't keep up with my old friends.
-When I don't keep up with my current friends.
-When I don't have time for everyone.
-When I don't have a clean house.
-When my mom makes me feel guilty.
-For not liking my brother. At All.
-For not keeping a budget.
-For not having enough savings.
-For always being lazy.
-For being selfish sometimes.
-For not being as strong as I pretend to be.
-For not being as smart as I pretend to be.
-For STILL not knowing what I want to be when I grow up.
-For not loving my profession as much as I should.
-When I drink too much.
-When I drink too much coffee.
-When I spend too much money.
-When I don't email my family.
-When I don't call my family.
-When all I want to do is sleep.
-When I cry for no reason.
-When I cry for A reason.
-When I drive too fast.
-When I cuss at old people in my car.
-When I quit Sagebrush.
-When I don't like people based off of first impressions.
-When I don't tip enough.
-When I don't feel guilty and I should.

I think this list is long enough, but I could still add some. It feels a little better to list them.

Yea.

6 comments:

Carmen Eckard said...

i want to hug you. i think you're one of the best, coolest, strongest people i know. i would rather spend 5 mintues with you than 3 with the other people i like. i understand why all those things make you feel guilty, but you have to let it go. do what you can, you know? you're a 25 year old girl with a career, a good man, a good car, a good condo, good cats, and a great :) best friend. i think we're both doing just swell, and you gotta not give yourself a hard time.

and i'll never be mad at you for not commenting, not blogging, or not calling.

and you should be proud, not guilty, about your eating/exercising. you look hot. you look hotter than you've ever looked. sometimes, i get tired of my friends asking about the hot red head.

KariBeri said...

aww sweetie! hugs! your human, its okay to feel guilty but just brush yourself off and keep plotting thru. what doesnt kill us just makes us strongerdvc

Joan said...

I'm sorry you are feeling this way but I understand. I think I just blogged about the eating, exercising thing. Guilt is something I deal with a lot especially with my kids. I really don't have an answer. Try to look at the positive, change your focus, and ease up on yourself. Take care. Remember Yosef loves you.

Carmen Eckard said...

maybe if you follow it with a blog about what makes you feel awesome...like when you get home and jared is there and you get an awesome greeting. or when we go out and all the guys check you out. or when you kick butt at trivia. or when your idol peeps get to stay around. or when you realize that you don't work at sagebrush anymore. lots of good things!

Ryan said...

*hug*

I'm sorry!!!! But you're not alone either. Ditto on pretty much all of those, except for the one about your brother - I don't have a brother. And exchange "Sagebrush" for "a job" and you've got a list that could describe me too.

*hugzzzzz*

-Alisa

Carmen Eckard said...

and don't feel bad about not liking your brother. he's a douche. not likeable. not your fault. i think that's my last comment.